Read our new book, The Score That Matters

https://amzn.to/49LJuuD

Full show notes at www.LearningLeader.com

Notes:

• Just two years into Amy's work as a therapist, her mother passed away unexpectedly. Exactly three years to the day later, her 26-year-old husband, Lincoln, died of a heart attack. So she set out on a personal journey to learn as much as she could about grief, mental health, and mental strength. Amy decided that she would live life to the fullest. She rode mules into the Grand Canyon, went skydiving, took flying trapeze lessons, spent the night in 49 states, got 6-pack abs in 28 days, and started driving a motorcycle
• Amy’s daily challenge: She pushes herself to run a mile as fast as she can. It forces her outside of her comfort zone and ensures mental and physical growth.
• Pleasant activity scheduling. Put them on the calendar. Block out time for pleasant experiences together with your partner, your family, and your friends. You then look forward to those moments, get to experience those moments, and then create memory dividends that you’ll have for life. Schedule pleasant activities. 
• Don’t take your partner for granted. I think this goes for any relationship, but especially for those of us who are in committed long-term relationships with a spouse. Think of the Tony Robbins story: For the past twenty years, each day when he gets home from work, he has a “Honey I’m home” routine where they share a big embrace and a kiss and they both bring positive energy to the interaction. This sets the tone so that their relationship doesn’t get boring.
• What Mentally Strong Couples Do:
  • They don't ignore their problems. - Whether they face a sudden financial hiccup or experience issues related to intimacy, mentally strong couples address their problems head-on. They engage in difficult conversations and confront their issues, regardless of the discomfort it might bring. By working together to find solutions early on, they prevent their problems from escalating.
  • They don’t keep secrets. - Mentally strong couples respect each other's privacy, like allowing one another to have private conversations with friends. However, they draw the line at keeping secrets. They’re honest about everything, whether it’s how much they really spent on an item or the fact that a co-worker has been flirting with them. They prioritize open discussion over potential discomfort because they understand that trust is the foundation of their relationship.
  • They don’t hesitate to set boundaries - Mentally strong couples know the importance of setting boundaries with each other. For instance, one partner may need to refrain from responding to text messages during the workday as it interferes with their job. But they also set boundaries to shield their relationship from external influences, like an overbearing mother-in-law or a relative who asks to borrow money. Together, they establish financial, physical, emotional, social, and temporal boundaries that enable them to function at their best.
  • They don’t become martyrs - Mentally strong couples understand that while sacrifices are part of a relationship, it doesn't mean giving up everything to the point of self-destruction. They steer clear of bitterness and resentment for the things they've done for the family. Instead, they set boundaries, voice their needs, and take care of their well-being.
  • They don't use their emotions as weapons - It’s healthy to experience and express a wide variety of emotions. But mentally strong couples don’t weaponize their emotions. For instance, a strong individual won’t cry to avoid a tough conversation, and they won’t raise their voice to get their way. Their focus is on managing their emotions, not controlling their partner's actions.
  • They don't try to "fix" each other - While they work toward bringing out the best in each other, mentally strong individuals don't try to "fix" their partners. They strive to be a positive influence but respect their partner's autonomy to make personal choices—even when they don’t agree with those choices. They support their partner’s attempts at self-improvement but understand that they can't do the work on their partner's behalf.
  • They don’t communicate with disrespect - While most couples understand that name-calling or belittling each other can harm their relationship, mentally strong couples also pay attention to the subtle aspects of communication that can make a significant difference (like looking up from their devices to hold a conversation). They prioritize active listening, understanding each other's perspectives, and expressing their feelings in a healthy manner.
  • They don't blame each other for their issues - A mentally strong individual doesn't pass the buck by saying things like, "I'd be happier if my partner changed." Instead, they take ownership of their happiness. They refrain from blaming their partner for their struggles, acknowledging that everyone has the power to bring about change.
  • They never lose sight of why they fell in love - Mentally strong couples ensure their love endures even as circumstances evolve. Career advancements, parenthood, and shifting responsibilities may make their lives look different from when they first met, but they never forget why they chose each other. Remembering why they fell in love helps them stay committed to resolving issues and working things out.
  • They don't expect their relationship to meet all their needs - These couples don't subscribe to the notion that their partner will "complete" them. They understand that they each have to fulfill some of their own needs. Whether it's spending time with friends for recreational companionship or pursuing personal hobbies, they realize they have the agency and flexibility to meet their needs in various ways.
  • They don't neglect their partnership - Mentally resilient couples understand that while there will be multiple demands on their attention—children, extended family, work—they can’t neglect their relationship. They discuss their priorities and collaborate to maintain their connection, even during phases of life when they're being pulled in different directions.
  • They don't take each other for granted - The strongest couples don’t overlook the kindness, love, and affection their partner provides. They express gratitude and appreciation for each other regularly. Frequent conversations about what they value, tokens of appreciation, and genuine gratitude are integral to their partnership.
  • They don’t stop growing and changing - Mentally strong couples strive for personal growth but also ensure they don't grow apart. They aren't intimidated by their partner's individual progress. As they secure new jobs, take on fresh responsibilities, and change their viewpoints, they make sure their relationship evolves accordingly.
• It's inspirational when both partners are invested in strengthening their relationship. However, often one partner may be more focused on building mental strength and strengthening the relationship than the other. The good news is that one person can significantly impact the overall health of the relationship. You can start improving your relationship by giving up any unhealthy habits that could weaken your relationship. When you make the decision to change your habits, you can grow stronger as an individual while also strengthening your relationship, even if your partner isn’t invested in building their own mental strength right away.

Order our new book, The Score That Matters

https://amzn.to/3HSQzhf

Rob Henderson has a Ph.D. in psychology from the University of Cambridge, where he studied as a Gates Cambridge Scholar. He obtained a B.S. in psychology from Yale University and is a veteran of the U.S. Air Force. He's the author of Troubled: A Memoir of Foster Care, Family, and Social Class

• Self-discipline beats motivation. Often, people say they need to feel “motivated” to perform a task. Motivation, though, is just a feeling. Self-discipline is “I’m going to do this, regardless of how I feel.”
• Air Force Training – "My favorite part of training was the camaraderie. I especially enjoyed drill and marching. The synchronized movement with others, moving as a single element, instilled a feeling of belonging." – The military provided a structured environment.
• Rob said that whenever he felt like an outsider, he sought refuge in helping others. Because of that, he volunteered at New Haven Reads near Yale. While there, he met a kid named Guillermo. There, he learned how to relate with others by sharing his story.
• Writing: Rob was accepted into the War Horse Writing Seminar at Columbia University. The program was designed to help veterans write about their experiences.
• External Achievement: "Upon obtaining a few totems of achievement, I came to realize that they are flawed measures of success. External accomplishments are trivial compared with a warm and loving family. Going to school is far less important than having a parent who cares enough to make sure you get to class every day."
• Two of Rob's mom’s friends came to him for advice. They were talking about their 6-year-old son and they were concerned with how “smart” he was. They asked, “Should we be reading to him more?” And Rob responded, “Yeah, but not because it will expand his vocabulary. Read to him because it will remind him that you love him.”
• The best and worst things about Yale:
  • Best
    • Students work ethic
    • Focused
    • Unique pursuits
  • Worst
    • Self-censorship
• One of his instructors at Sheppard Air Force Base in Texas asked the class one Friday afternoon if they had any questions. Rob asked, “If you could do it all over again, would you still have enlisted?” – “Understand that the Air Force is going to ask a lot from you. Just remember that you can get a lot in return from it, as well.”
• Luxury beliefs - Rob coined the term to describe beliefs that mark the believer as holding the approved opinion while harming those less privileged.
• Lessons Learned The Hard Way:
  • You are what you do. Not what you say or what you believe. People use words to strategically justify their actions and blind you to who they really are. Don't be fooled by cheap talk. Pay close attention to how people actually spend their time and effort.
  • Good conversations are made up of questions. Avoid speaking for longer than three minutes without asking one.
  • When seeking advice, ask people in a different life station than you—ahead or behind, older or younger. People in the same position are often biased by envy, and this can color the advice they give.
  • One of the most common life regrets people report is “I wish I had let myself be happier.” You'll never be happy if you continue thinking that you’ll be happy one day.
    • “The study of happiness often sounds like a sermon for traditional values. The numbers show it is not the rich, privileged, robust, or good-looking who are happy; it is those who have spouses, friends, religion, and challenging, meaningful work” - Steven Pinker (How The Mind Works)
• 35% of people in America graduate with a bachelor's degree, 11% of people from poor families graduate from college. And just 3% of foster kids graduate from college. When you think about Rob’s story, it’s hard not to be inspired. He’s beaten almost impossible odds to not only graduate from college, but he served our country, then went to Yale, graduated, and got his PhD from Cambridge. It’s awesome to see what he’s done and he’s still so young and at the beginning of his career. I love it when good things happen to good people.
• Life/career advice - “Be a fish out of water. Do something hard. Be uncomfortable.” That was advice for a recent grad, but I think it’s useful for all of us.

Order our new book, The Score That Matters

https://amzn.to/48jAoUM

Full show notes at www.LearningLeader.com

For the past 40+ years, Tony Robbins has been known worldwide as one of the most impactful business and life coaches in the world. He’s hosted millions of people at his events, written 6 international best-selling books, he’s involved in more than 100 businesses that have done more than 7 billion dollars in revenue, and as part of his work with Feeding America, Tony has provided more than 850 million meals to those in need. He’s personally coached President Bill Clinton, Serena Williams, Connor McGregor, Marc Benioff, Usher, the Golden State Warriors, and many others.

Notes:

• The advice Tony received from Jim Rohn. "Your job is to become more valuable. We are all equal as souls, but not equal in the marketplace."
  • “If you want things to get better, you’ve got to get better.”
• Commonalities among leaders who sustain excellence: They find something they care about more than themselves, they have a hunger for it, and they work amazingly hard at it. “You’re rewarded in public for what you practice in private.” Steph Curry has taken far more practice shots than game ones. He’s rewarded in public for what he does in private.
• How to build confidence: Preparation creates certainty. 
  • “Whatever you hold in your mind on a consistent basis is exactly what you will experience in your life.” The essence of building confidence is this: If you go into a situation knowing that you can handle it – whatever it is – then that's exactly what you'll do.
• “A belief is a poor substitute for an experience.” You might believe it’s something you’re going to love, but you don’t fully know until you do it. Get in the arena and do it. See what it’s like. That’s when you’ll learn.    
• Tony learned NLP from John Grinder (founder of NLP). Neuro-Linguistic Programming. is an approach to communication, personal development, and psychotherapy, that first appeared in Richard Bandler and John Grinder's 1975 book The Structure of Magic I. NLP asserts that there is a connection between neurological processes, language, and acquired behavioral patterns, and that these can be changed to achieve specific goals in life.
• “The path to success is to take massive, determined action.”
• “Any time you sincerely want to make a change, the first thing you must do is to raise your standards.”
• “The power of positive thinking is the ability to generate a feeling of certainty in yourself when nothing in the environment supports you.”
• "The reasonable man adapts himself to the world: the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man."― George Bernard Shaw
• Tony interviewed a dozen of the world’s most successful investors in private equity, private credit, private real estate, and venture capital. He wanted to learn everything he could about the private markets and investing. 
  • Ray Dalio - Apply diversification across 8-12 uncorrelated investments. 

Order our new book, The Score That Matters

https://amzn.to/48ePbAa

Full show notes at www.LearningLeader.com

William Ury is the co-author of Getting to Yes, the world’s all-time bestselling book on negotiation with more than 15 million copies sold, and co-founder of Harvard’s Program on Negotiation. Bill has devoted his life to helping people, organizations, and nations transform conflicts around the world, having served as a negotiator in many of the toughest disputes of our times, taught negotiation to tens of thousands, and consulted for dozens of Fortune 500 companies, the White House, the State Department, and the Pentagon. Based in the mountains of Colorado where he loves to hike, Bill is an internationally sought-after speaker and has two popular TEDx talks with millions of viewers.

Notes:

• Your life’s work: “If you had to boil your life’s work down to just one sentence you could leave behind, what would it say?” This is a great question for us to ask ourselves to gain clarity on our purpose and what we were put here to do. What is your life’s work?
  • On one of Bill's hikes with Jim Collins in Boulder, Colorado, he asked, “When did you first discover your interest in and instinct for what became your life’s work?”
• Be trustworthy AND trust willing. Become known as a person who trusts others first without making people earn it. Yes, you’ll get burned every once in a while, but I’ve found it’s worth it. Leading with trust seems to attract the type of people you want to be around.
• On a freezing night in January 1977, the phone rang at 10:00 pm. Bill was living in a little rented room in the attic of an old wooden house in Cambridge, Massachusetts. He was 23, writing term papers, and studying hard for graduate school exams in social anthropology. Bill picked up the phone…
• “I was particularly struck by Bill’s rare ability to bring calm and optimism to seemingly intractable conflicts and by his blend of intellectual clarity and practical wisdom.” - Jim Collins
• Go to hardest places: Instead of sharpening his intellect and insights by doing research sitting in a plush faculty office at some Ivy League institute, Bill decided to “go to the hardest places first,” throwing himself into political negotiations in the Middle East.
• “𝑻𝒉𝒆 𝒔𝒆𝒄𝒓𝒆𝒕 𝒕𝒐 𝒏𝒆𝒈𝒐𝒕𝒊𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒅𝒆𝒆𝒑𝒆𝒔𝒕 𝒅𝒊𝒇𝒇𝒆𝒓𝒆𝒏𝒄𝒆𝒔 𝒊𝒔, 𝑰 𝒃𝒆𝒍𝒊𝒆𝒗𝒆, 𝒕𝒐 𝒈𝒐 𝒕𝒐 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒃𝒂𝒍𝒄𝒐𝒏𝒚, 𝒕𝒐 𝒃𝒖𝒊𝒍𝒅 𝒂 𝒈𝒐𝒍𝒅𝒆𝒏 𝒃𝒓𝒊𝒅𝒈𝒆, 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒕𝒐 𝒎𝒐𝒃𝒊𝒍𝒊𝒛𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒓𝒅 𝒔𝒊𝒅𝒆 𝒂𝒍𝒕𝒐𝒈𝒆𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒓, 𝒂𝒍𝒍 𝒂𝒕 𝒐𝒏𝒄𝒆. 𝑭𝒐𝒓 𝒔𝒉𝒐𝒓𝒕, 𝑰 𝒄𝒂𝒍𝒍 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝑩𝑩𝟑.”
• “The only book to write is the one you cannot not write.”
• What are the 3 victories on the path to possible? The story of the wise old woman and the camels...
• The story of Vasili Arkhipov and Sub B-59 (the pause, calm, reactive to proactive).
•  
• Bring your spirit of play. That’s one of the things about Bill that I couldn’t help but notice from the second we connected. He was smiling, laughing, and enjoying himself the entire time. He was having fun. What’s the point of doing all of this if we don’t have some fun along the way?

Order and Read our new book, The Score That Matters

https://amzn.to/4btcb1o

Full show notes at www.LearningLeader.com

Twitter/IG: @RyanHawk12   https://twitter.com/RyanHawk12

• What do leaders who sustain excellence do? They have the ability to be present for an extended period of time. They are here now. They live a life that creates a sustainable presence.
  • They are fully present. Be here now. Fully here. This makes you available for this creative moment.
  • Play the long game. Excellent leaders play the long game. "Live a life that creates sustainable presence."
• Space and Place: It's important to know your soul's home:
  • For Jim: Northern Michigan. Quiet, still, simple, in nature... "It's recharging for me."
• Lead and live intentionally to get to your flow state.
• Ask: What is it that creates the most "alive-ness" in you?
  • Do an energy audit. Look at your calendar for the last week. What events make your energy go up, stay neutral, or go down?
  • Maximize for people and events that make your energy go up. "Populate your life with what you love."
• Are you willing to be fully alive? What are you willing to risk to make that happen?
  • Get rid of energy downers. You can do that in 3 ways.
    • Dump it,
    • Delegate it
    • Do it differently
• Responsibility – By me: I commit to taking full responsibility for the circumstances of my life, and my physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual well-being. I commit to support others to take full responsibility for their lives.
  • I have to = Victim mindset
  • I choose to = Ownership mindset
• To me = At the effect of other things. Outside my locus of control.
• By me = Inside. I am the cause of the experience. Radical responsibility. How am I causing the experience?
• Josh Waitzkin - Make weather what it is. Play in the rain.
• Curiosity is everything as a leader.
• The opposite of curiosity is always needing/wanting to be right.
  • Deconstruct all the places where you want to be right.
  • Most of it stems from fear. There are three fears:
    • Approval
    • Control
    • Security
• Curiosity - I commit to growing in self-awareness. I commit to regarding every interaction as an opportunity to learn. I commit to curiosity as a path to rapid learning.
• Candor - I commit to saying what is true for me. I commit to being a person to whom others can express themselves with candor.
• Accountability and Responsibility: Responsibility is not something that can be assigned, it is something that has to be taken. Responsibility lives in the world of integrity and impeccable agreements. Speak truth in love.
• “We often describe unconscious leaders as reactive. They react from a “story” about the past or an imagined future, and their personality, ego, or mind takes over.”